As a child of the manse (a pew rat to most) my Mom had the task of trying to keep me occupied and under control during the long Church services of my youth. NOT, an easy task.

Additionally, each year on Mother’s Day, it became my habit to write a poem in honor of my Mom for the Church where I served. The one below seemed to be a favorite of hers and the congregation’s – it is humbly titled:

Lillian Ferguson’s Semi-pneumatic

Truly Amazing (not to be dramatic)

Mystical, Magical nuclear powered purse

With apologies to Jimmy Dean & Big John

Gather ‘round people I’ve story to share
That’ll curl your toes and bristle your hair
About somethin’ I’ve seen that’d blow the average mind

From the time I was young to a full grown man
I’been witness to somethin’ in this here land
There ain’t nothin’ else like it, it is truly one of a kind

Now there ain’t no reason for y’all to fear
Though you’re all exposed ‘cause its really near
But for the wear, you won’t be any th’worse

Its just Lillian Ferguson’s Semi-pneumatic
Truly Amazing (not to be dramatic)
Mystical, Magical nuclear powered purse

Now when it first appeared no one really knows
At least that’s how the story goes
Some say it was found in a cave or abandoned mine

Still others contend it just fell from the sky
Like a gift from the gods, late one July
But I’m pretty sure those tales are just a line

Now I got it on good authority
That it was beamed from an alien ship you see
It sure ain’t nothin’ earthly as I can tell

‘Cause it can hold more stuff than Noah’s Ark
But its only the size of a small aardvark
And its deeper by far than the deepest human well

How Momma did get it no one’s ever said
If  it was passed on down or it was found instead
But the research seems to say its just always been

I just know there’s a warning on the bottom side
That says “Many have wanted, and many have tried
And not a one of them has ever been seen again”

My first encounter with this mystery bag
Must’a been in church when the sermon lagged
So Momma produced some gum and a pad and pen

And when those didn’t keep me fully occupied
She just opened it up and then reached inside
And started to dazzle me again and again

She had books and comics and toys galore
If that wasn’t enough she had even more
A vast array of stuff for my eager mind

Then when all was spent she’d just dip again
And out came a dozen multi-colored pens
An easel, paints and brushes of various kinds

If we had a tear, there was a needle and thread
Or when one got tired an inflatable bed
Whenever we got hungry there was even food

There were drinks and cookies and pastries and pies
If we weren’t dressed right there were shirts and ties
How she gets it all in there I ain’t got a clue!

She has her Bible in there and a TV set
Jan Crouch’s wig and Benny Hin’s hair net
And one time way back when in ‘64

There was an all points search for a missing kid
Well he had fallen inside that’s what he did
And it took him three full weeks just to find the door

Now one day we happened on bad car crash
There was piles a’twisted metal and some broken glass
And three people were trapped inside of the second car

Then Momma jumped out in a powerful hurry 
Flung open that purse in blinding flurry
And produced the jaws of life and a candy bar

I’ve seen cars drive in and never back out
And there are hikin’ tours for the Eagle Scouts
Some say Jeremiah hid the covenant Ark in there

Indiana Jones has never plumbed its deeps
Need a pillow case or some crisp clean sheets?
She’s the only one who gives Danny Wegman a scare

Well that’s the scoop from a first hand eye
But if I told ya more well then you’d hafta die
‘Cause the Government has rules ‘bout secret stuff

Inside it is rumored there are unknown species
Of  critters and creatures and little wee-beasties
The secret formulae of both Coke and Marshmallow Fluff

When ya see her comin’ ya better cutt’er a path
“Cause she could open that thing an unleash her wrath
Though she swears she’ll only use its pow’rs for good

NORAD and SETI keep her on their screens
And when the RG&E ‘s kilowatts are lean 
They can just tap in for more - so its understood

So if ya see it glow when you’re walkin’ by
Or just hear strange things like an alien cry
Don’t fret or fuss or fear you’ll be none the worse

Its just Lillian Ferguson’s Semi-pneumatic
Truly Amazing (not to be dramatic)
Mystical, Magical nuclear powered purse

For my Mom on Mother’s Day, 2002