In the past several months, I’ve had no less than three notable conversations with friends who have said: “I just can’t forgive myself.” In each case, they have expressed a sense of remaining guilt over past sins and failures. I identify.

I do not know if it is true of all as we grow older, but I can say for myself that I reflect increasingly on the sins of my past. My heart is pricked all over again for things done in my youth, my teens – and well beyond.

Perhaps this experience is a product of having more time for my mind to reflect on life period. Not being as focused on the daily demands of work-a-day employment – things once somewhat ignored push themselves forward. Perhaps it is the Holy Spirit bringing conviction over issues not settled. Or at least not settled well. Maybe it is the enemy of the soul trying to bring condemnation so as to obscure the glory of the cross and sins forgiven in Christ. Perhaps, at my age, it is the norm as one muses on the fact that the majority of this life is already past, and that eternity looms larger and larger on the horizon.

Who knows?

Irrespective of nailing down the specific cause, or an amalgam of several, I know I am not alone. Virtually everyone I know has had moments, when past sins and failures suddenly pierce the heart and mind as though committed – and thus convicted – all over again that very moment. It can trigger sadness, grief, and even despair. Especially when the same crime comes back repeatedly. The regret and sorrow can be overwhelming. The sting can last for days.

In 1st Samuel 25 – Scripture records the incident with David, Abigail and Abigail’s “fool” of a husband, Nabal.

David, fleeing from Saul, found he and his men in the wilderness near Carmel. David knew of Nabal’s wealth. This being the time of sheep-shearing, when there would be feasting and rejoicing – David sent some of his men to ask for some provisions. This was not a naked imposition. While in the wilderness, David and his men had served as an ad hoc guardian force protecting Nabal’s shepherds and flocks from being prey to robbers. But Nabal, a man the text says was “harsh and evil in his dealings” told David’s men to go take a flying leap. He owed them nothing.

David got riled. He was on his way to teach the old curmudgeon a lesson he’d never forget.

Enter Abigail. Beautiful and savvy.

When she heard of the events, she heads off David with a gift of provisions and a plea to ignore her “scoundrel” of a husband. Her petition reads: “When the LORD has done for my lord all the good He promised, and when He has appointed you ruler over Israel, then my lord will have no remorse or guilt of conscience over needless bloodshed and revenge. And when the LORD has dealt well with my lord, may you remember your maidservant.” (1 Sam. 25:30-31)

Now here is wisdom. Here is someone who knows human nature. Don’t do what you know will come back to haunt you later. The days of remorse over guilt will come. Don’t let your action here be among those other accusations. As we well know – David will suffer greatly in this regard in the aftermath of his sins with Bathsheba and the numbering of the people. And who knows how many others?

One wonders how Moses dealt later on with his remembrance of murdering the Egyptian in Ex 2. Or consider Paul, ruminating on those he had persecuted for following Christ. What of Stephen’s stoning and his participation in it? What effect did Paul’s persecutions have not only on those he directly violated, but on their children, their families – and other Christians?

Alexander Whyte queries whether or not Paul’s “thorn in the flesh” was not a conscience tortured at times with these previous sins and their impact on so so many? And how then the only thing which could bring relief was to be brought to the Cross over and over and to trust in God’s grace, which alone is truly sufficient.

I don’t know. But I know none of us is exempt from this phenomenon.

Years ago I was in a conversation with 4 men of God, who in order each told the account of their lives and conversions. Each had done some pretty rough things. There were drug abuse. Alcohol abuse. Sexual promiscuity. Crimes both petty and felonious. And then they met Christ. Lived truly changed and transformed by grace. Now each was a solid family man and churchman. It was exhilarating to hear.

It was then I asked what of their former lives still proved to have the greatest negative impact on their lives today. To a man, the issue was sexual sin and pornography. How the memories, and thus the regrets cannot be fully erased. Several wept. The pain of recollection was so severe. For lack of a better term – their guilt – still plagued them. They struggled to lay full hold upon God’s grace being sufficient for them. I thought of my own sins. I could fully identify even when my particular sins were not precisely as theirs. Believe me, there’s enough sin to go around – period.

But what to do?

How are we to deal with this piercing of the heart afresh? What are we to do when the guilt from those things seems so very fresh? When the heart almost faints to recall it all? When this or that particular event comes back with a vengeance? When we, even as believers in the atoning efficacy of Christ’s death and blood feel condemned all over again? When conscience will grant no relief from its searing hot iron?

In the more familiar way of putting it – how do I forgive myself?

Let me humbly make some suggestions.

But before we go further, let me say that I think the question itself is problematic. For as best as I can tell, the Scripture says nothing about forgiving oneself. Nothing. For I am not the victim of my sins. Others are. God first and in all cases. And other people in most cases. But the problem isn’t that I need to forgive me, for I am neither God, nor others.

So in this discussion, the first principle I must reckon with is:

I am the criminal, not the victim. I do not need to forgive myself. Forgiveness must be sought elsewhere. I need to get this thought excised from my paradigm. If I stay in this place, I have no hope. For I am trying to do the impossible. It is as useless an inquiry as water asking how it can stop being wet. It is a category error. I am not guilty before me, for I am neither God, the Law, the judge nor others. I am me. The guilty one.

I must examine the issue, to see if there is something yet undone in repentance.

A former sin may repeatedly come to mind, because I’ve never actually dealt fully with those who have been hurt by my sin.

Have I done what I can to make things right with those I’ve hurt? Have I owned my sin to them directly? Have I apologized and asked for forgiveness – and in reference to the specific matter which keeps coming back to mind?

Does my repentance look like 2 Cor. 7:10-11 “Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation without regret, but worldly sorrow brings death. Consider what this godly sorrow has produced in you: what earnestness, what eagerness to clear yourselves, what indignation, what alarm, what longing, what zeal, what vindication! In every way you have proved yourselves to be innocent in this matter.”

If I were to punch you in the nose, I not only need to go God and ask for forgiveness, I also need to come to YOU. So have I moved beyond mere worldly sorrow for my sin – to earnest and eager action to clear the air with the offended? Am I indignant at my own failure? Alarmed at how this wickedness is in me? Longing to turn from the course that led me to that sin? Zealous to seek correction?

Sometimes, we cannot be done with a former sin, because we have never taken the steps to address the one(s) we’ve hurt directly, honestly, and seeking to put the matter to rest. And until we do, this one will resurface. It is the Holy Spirit working in us to settle what is still outstanding.

If this is not the case, if we have done what we can do, then we move on.

It is good to ask how quickly and fully I am willing to forgive others for their sins against me?

Thieves are the first to suspect others of ripping them off. Liars assume others are always lying to them. And unforgiving people tend to think others are holding their sins against them, even when forgiveness has been extended. Even God’s forgiveness is suspect.

Such is the deceitfulness of the human heart.

Beloved, if you find that other’s past sins against you still roil within, you will never be at peace over your own sins being forgiven. You will assign nefarious motives to looks, glances, perceived slights, and even God’s providences. You’ll imagine He is still holding something against you when circumstances go wrong.

If I hold grudges, I will assume others are holding them. God not excepted.

The answer here is to repent of your own unforgiveness. When you turn from your bitterness, you will find sweetness in others. But as long as you hang on to their sins, yours will continue to sting your conscience. This will remain the case until you either repent, or so ignore the problem that you sear your own conscience. At which point, you will live in the perpetual condemnation of all but yourself. You will become a self-justifying judge. Christ will be of no use to you. For you judge all by the standard of self. Tragic.

Having owned my sin, having done what I can to set things right with others, having searched my heart to root out my own unforgiveness – as best as I can – what do I do with those recurring torments now?

Take each painful remembrance as an occasion to rejoice.

Say what?

You did not misunderstand me.

Something to be done at this point, is to take advantage of what God’s providence has allowed in brining this painful memory to the surface again, is to stop and thank God that He is not allowing your heart to grow comfortable with sin. Even old sins.

It is a signal mark of grace that the Holy Spirit continues to keep us from ever justifying or downplaying sin. So take this opportunity to worship. To thank God for His goodness of not giving you over to your sins. To say to Him “YES! This hurts! Thank you that you will not let me think lightly of sin any more. That you will not allow me to just brush off those crimes against your holiness and against others. That your Spirit is still at work in me, convicting me of sin, even as I know I am not condemned by any of it, because I am in Christ.” (Rom. 8:1)

Thank Him for a heart that grieves over sin, rather than justifying it.

Second – we must seize this opportunity to say to our God in Christ: “Thank you for having forgiven me of this already. That in its remembrance, I can look at the Cross and see that it, they, my sin and my guilt, have been fully met in Jesus Christ. That I am free from having to pay the penalty for this, because Christ has already paid the price in my place.”

When the painful, wretched remembrance comes rushing in like a flood – we must raise the standard of the Cross and shout for the victory won there in the death, burial and resurrection of Jesus. Hallelujah!

Yes Lord, I see it again. I see my sin in all of its grotesque and hideous dimensions. How glorious then is your redemption in the Beloved that I am forgiven and set free!

At the fresh sight of old sins – turn again to the Cross and see them washed from your record in the blood of the Lamb, and covered with His robe of righteousness. And co-opt this remembrance as your Ebenezer (1 Sam. 7:12) Your monument testifying that “till now the Lord has helped us.”

Stop and say “Wow! You have forgiven me even for this!”

Praise your holy, matchless name!

Recognize the difference between remorse and condemnation.

Remorse for sin is a gift of God. Conviction of sin by the Spirit is a wondrous gift as well. Apart from it, we’d remain in our sin. But condemnation? Condemnation is the conclusion, that having been convicted before God’s judgment bar, I now am simply awaiting the sentence to be carried out. Hope is past. Hope is lost.

But Scripture is clear: “Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For in Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set you free from the law of sin and death. For what the law was powerless to do in that it was weakened by the flesh, God did by sending His own Son in the likeness of sinful man, as an offering for sin. He thus condemned sin in the flesh, so that the righteous standard of the law might be fulfilled in us, who do not walk according to the flesh but according to the Spirit.” (Rom. 8:1-4)

When the Spirit convicts or convinces us of sin, it is to point us to Christ. It is never to say “It’s over, there is no more hope for you.” Such is condemnation. And condemnation has no place in the life of the Believer who has been justified through faith.

So do not refuse the work of conviction. And do not throw away the gift of remorse that keeps you from getting hard in your sin. But receive both only in view of the Cross. For there, the condemned go free. Praise God!

Grieve your former sins. Freely. Never refuse genuine remorse. God forbid we should ever grow comfortable with our past sins. But God forbid we should ever contemplate them again apart from the light of the glory of God shining in the face of Jesus Christ and His eternal intercession on our behalf.

Remorseful? Yes! Always.

Condemned? Never.

Because of Christ.

Repent of your unbelief.

What unbelief you ask? That all your sin, even this one which rages so fresh in you right now – is met fully in the Cross.

Faith apprehends that work of Jesus done on our behalf on the Cross. We must accept His substitutionary atonement as much as the Father has. In other words, we must believe the Gospel afresh. Or are we so holy that though God can be satisfied with Jesus’ interposition, we cannot? Are we greater than He is? How arrogant! He’s happy with the cross, but it is not sufficient for us?

It is unreasonable to think like this. ““Come now, let us reason together,” says the LORD. “Though your sins are like scarlet, they will be as white as snow; though they are as red as crimson, they will become like wool.” (Isa. 1:18)

This is the life of the Believer – being called over and over and over to trust Christ and His saving work – alone!

And when we “feel” unforgiven, when we have already confessed and repented – we are acting out of unbelief. Rom. 14:23 – “and everything that is not from faith is sin.”

Do I believe the Gospel? “In Him we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of His grace that He lavished on us with all wisdom and understanding.” (Eph. 1:7-8) Do I believe that? Really? Or am I telling God Jesus’ blood is not enough, and that somehow I still need to complete His work by my penance? So stand back and let me whip myself with a razor-sharp conscience until I make up for what Jesus’ blood couldn’t do.

Blasphemy!

At these moments we need to plead for a repentant heart from our unbelief. We need to behold the Lamb of God who takes away the sins of the world! We need to glory in the Cross.

We need to trust God’s Providence.

And this my friend, may be the hardest thing in this essay. Bear with me.

I don’t know about you, but while I may be able to trust God with His providences in the appointments of the details of my own life narrowly considered – I find it exceedingly difficult to trust Him as much with how my sins may have impacted others, and His providence in their lives too.

This is not to deny our own responsibilities as regards how our sins have affected others. We still bear that. But what it does do, is call us to remember that things are not all about us. That God is working in their lives too. And that part of what He is doing in them, is done through how our failures have impacted them.

Gaining this mindset must have been part and parcel of how Paul dealt with his own guilt over his actions against the Christians. Or how about Acts 12 when Peter is supernaturally released from prison. In vs. 19 we read that the sentries who were guarding him were put to death for letting him escape. Again, the 70,000 who perished because David foolishly numbered the people contrary to God’s command. We could cite a multitude of others.

What we need to grasp here is that just as God uses the acts of others (sinful and not) and their impact on us, so He is at work in those we impact too. We must trust Him, that He is is as good and holy and wise in using our sins in their lives, as He is in using theirs in ours. We must leave those things with Him. Eternity will reveal God’s hand and plans in it all. But the bottom line is, we must trust Him with it.

When I was a very young man, my brother-in-law’s parents ran a farm. I was given to opportunity to stay out there for a few days and experience that farm life. Ivan’s Dad took me out and let me fire my first .22. He took me around to show me farm life. And he let me mow his lawn with his lawn tractor. For a kid from the city, this was unthinkable.

Now I had been warned only to mow the back yard, not the front. Warned sternly mind you. But 1 – I was enjoying the experience so much I didn’t want it to end; and 2 – I wanted to show this good man my gratitude by going above and beyond – and mowing his front yard for him too.

It wasn’t but a few minutes before the reason for his warning took on flesh. Going too close to the stone wall in the front yard, I drove the tractor off the wall, over the stones and dropped down to the next terraced level. Only by God’s grace did the tractor remain upright and not flip over on top of me – injuring or maybe even killing me. I was terrified.

Ivan’s Dad heard the calamity – came running, and seeing I was fine gave me the tongue lashing I deserved. I had not only disobeyed, I had done severe damage to the mower.

Fast forward 10 or more years, several times that incident came painfully to mind. It pained me to recall I had betrayed the good man’s trust, AND, in the process, had cost him a pretty penny for repairs to the mower and the stone wall. I knew he had forgiven me. He had said so. But there was unfinished business.

Having a job now, I determined to contact Mr. Kellogg and offer these many years later to reimburse him for the damage I had done. I put it off for a bit, and then prepared to make the call. A few days just before I was to call him, I received the news. He had passed away. And I was stricken. I had no way now to put right what I had hoped. And I grieved.

It was many years later, when contemplating this entire subject for myself, that it dawned on me. The day will come when dear Mr. Kellogg and I will meet again. He was a Believer too. We’ll gather around Christ’s throne one day. I’ll know the truth that having been in God’s presence, the last thing ever to enter his mind will be my foolishness and what it cost him. He won’t care a wit that I never compensated him. And he will be able to tell me how it was God used that incident in his life, as I share how God used it in mine. We will rejoice together, and weep together at the goodness, wisdom and wonder of our God in Christ. My mind, can be at rest. In Christ, it is finished. Even things like this.

You and I have sinned in our lives. Against our God, and against people. People have sinned against us. God has worked in us through their sins against us, and vice versa. Neither of us can forgive ourselves. We can forgive each other. We can believe the Gospel of God’s forgiveness in Christ. We can repent and repair where we can. We can rejoice that we stand in a whole new place in relation to our sins – and how graced we are to abhor and recoil from them. Sins old and sins new. We can rest in the finished work of the Redeemer. We can trust Him to work in our lives and the lives of others – at every point of intersection.

We can glory in the fathomless wonder of our great God and King.

Let us worship.